Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
