Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
