Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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