ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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