I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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