So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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