I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
