The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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