I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
