I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
