we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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