well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
