I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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