I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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