so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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