I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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