1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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