Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
