Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
