I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
