you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
