a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
