i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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