Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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