YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
