clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
