Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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