I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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