tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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