....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
