between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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