Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
