Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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