It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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