i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
