the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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