how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
