I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
