i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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