Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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