You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you had me at cake vodka
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
