Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
