Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
