Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
