Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
