please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
