party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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