She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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