Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
