nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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