brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
