Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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