Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
