I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
