Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just pee around me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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