My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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