My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
