Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
