Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
id be glad to
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
