i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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