im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
