i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
